Shinra Training Manual
by Soduka
Summary: Getting into Shinra isn't as easy as you think....Now being continued!
1. Chapter 1 Introduction

Author's Note: I am writing this after being inspired by Selunchen123's FINAL FANTASY VII CHARACTER GUIDE. After finding out and being rather upset that the story will no longer be continued, I decided to take up a similar work. Do not fear Selunchen, I will not be copying, defaming, working with your work inappropriately etc, etc. I will just be borrowing inspiration like I said. Thanks! Credit is due where…credit is due!….I believe.

Disclaimer: …….. _Narrows__ Eyes_ ...You win this round corporate Japan…..

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So, you want to work at the famed Shinra Corporation? This training manual has been compiled to put you through the mental ropes of what it is to work here. Be forewarned, it is rather long, and you may not understand WHY we mention menial things…..but you will learn in due time rookie!

STEP 1: Getting ready for an all purpose mission. While preparing for your first outing, please remember the following:

Your superior is not a know-it-all magic wizard. Please refrain from asking silly questions on the line of duty.

Do not question WHY you must wear the helmet in the mess hall, especially on Chef's choice Thursday.

Your standard issued Buster Sword is not a baton……neither is your nightstick.

When dressing for a presentation before the President, please remember the following sentence. _I will not make fun of his panther._

The Turks are not turkeys, nor are your turkeys Turks.

STEP 2: Official Training. Please understand the following.

Helicopter SIMULATORS are to the right, HELICOPTERS are to the left.

Heidegger is not a target.

Remember to lock the garage after stealing a car for joyriding.

Refrain from using "My Gun is better than yours" jokes on the range. If you understand what this means, then don't do it.

Reeve is head of Urban Development.

Palmer is a lard-ass.

The above people may be accused, beaten, and maimed accordingly.

Scarlet is the head of Weapons Development & Engineering.

Heidegger is your boss.

Hojo is most probably insane.

The above people….are not to be trifled with.

Although it may seem like a good idea AT THE TIME, using a fire materia to cook/heat up cans of beans/ burn kittens is not permitted.

!BREAK!

F.A.Q (Frequently Asked Questions)

**IF I SEE SEPHIROTH, WHAT SHOULD I DO?**

Run like hell, cuz your gunna die.

**MAY I USE THE VILLA IN COSTA DEL SOL FOR IMPORTANT BUSINESS?**

Only if you like spending time in Junon.

**I HEARD SOMEONE YELL AVALANCHE! IN MIDGAR, WHAT SHOULD I DO?**

…I didn't know they hired retards…

**WHY IS HOJO SO DANGEROUS?**

Because he doesn't die.

**SHOULD I FEAR HEIDEGGER ON A BAD DAY?**

Good question, find out for yourself, and please do us a favor and book your room at the infirmary in advance.

Next up: CHAPTER 2, Knowing your enemies inside and out of the Company.

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A/N: I know it was really bad, I'm trying very hard you know . I don't care what it is, flame, praise, the 'you suck' crowds of people, I want feedback please!


	2. Chapter 2 Knowing Your Enemies

Author's Note:….Wow….I actually got reviews?????? NICE! Thanks everyone, and yes cookiekitten, I WILL be making a chapter in my esteemed (lol) manual about being a Turk, talking to Turks etc, NEXT chapter. Also remember, if you have ideas either email me (You can find my email in my profile) or say them in your review, I'll be glad to use them and give you credit!

Disclaimer:….I'm out of witty remarks to say I don't own these people, come back on Page 3..I'll have one. I am not a freaking humor machine ALL the time .

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Now that you have figured out the ropes to being a recruit SOLDIER….sort of…we will move on to Chapter 2! Knowing your enemies inside and out of the Company. Yes, I understand you thought everyone was going to be your friend here, but it doesn't work like that Junior!

STEP 1: Proper Manners around the Shinra employees.

Learning your way around this place can be tough, and there are certain things you should NOT do while in the vicinity of them.

The phrase, "All up in my grill" may not be said to another employee on Shinra Grounds.

**WHY?**

BECAUSE WE SAID SO!

Asking for help is permitted where appropriate. However, stupid questions are not. Examples such as:

Asking a woman where the men's bathroom is.

Asking the President how he gets his hair to do that…thing…

Tapping Hojo's shoulder and asking why his back is !&#'d up like that.

**IS HE THAT DANGEROUS?**

Let me put it this way, I wouldn't touch that freak with a 10 foot pole. (Hojo if you are reading this I didn't mean it, please don't kill me!)

Telling Scarlet to put some clothes on, then laughing and asking why she has a bad sense of fashion.

**DO YOU REALLY THINK THE PEOPLE READING THIS ARE THAT RETARDED?**

….Short Answer yes.

STEP 2: AVALANCHE and the enigma of their existence.

We will start off with a short and to the point bio on their members.

CLOUD STRIFE- Always depressed, has a huge sword, tried to kill an Ancient named Aerith.

Age: 21 (Probably, I got drunk and lost the records)

Place of Birth: Nibelheim

Date of Birth (From now on referred to as DOB): Year X Month X Day X….yeah…I'm that lazy alright?

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Aerith Gainsborough: Says sweet nothings to other party members to make them feel better. Most Likely dead. We don't care either SO STOP ASKING.

Age: 22….maybe

Place of Birth: Icicle Inn

DOB:….err…. Year X Month X Day X?

Not much is known on her besides Hojo wants to do…things….to her and the former President wanted to her for some psycho alternate reality dream that ain't going to happen.

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Yuffie Kisaragi: Some bitchy teenager who tagged along with Avalanche for an unknown reason. Probably greed.

Age: 16 (Yeah, we can tell)

Place of Birth: Wutai

DOB:….You get the idea….

Yuffie is a selfish little teen that we believe is in connection with several robberies downtown. If you find her, don't hesitate to throw her down the nearest well.

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Vincent Valentine: Some Vampire-former Turk….yeah…whatever…

Age: 56 or something…chronologically…

Place of Birth: Your mom

DOB: STOP ASKING THAT

Yeah…I'm talking to myself now, BUT SO DOES VINCENT! He's crazy, run like your feet are on fire cuz he'll suck you dry! Nah I'm jus kiddin, we don't really know.

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Barret Wallace: Some black dude. Every notice he's one of the only black people in our world? Used to lead Avalanche until Cloud took over because he wasn't a very good leader.

Age:…35

Place Of Birth: We believe Corel….but Scarlet had to go and be a pyro on that town…so we don't really know. (Fire bad!)

DOB:….

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Cid Highwind: This man used to work for the Shinra Pilot's Corps. But we ditched him because he destroyed our Space program to save a woman. Hence why Palmer is a fat-ass do nothing.

Age: 32….

Place Of Birth: Nope….

DOB: Stop it the voices in my head are evil!

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Tifa Lockheart: This woman used to run a bar in Sector 7, occupation besides Avalanche now is Unknown. Probably still runs a bar. Yes...probably..

Age: 20-22 somewhere along those lines.

Place Of Birth: Nibelheim

DOB: No

Do not underestimate Tifa Lockheart, she will kick your ass if so.

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Cait Sith: Some weird ass piece of shit moogle. Everyone hates it, we don't know where it came from.

ALL INFO UNKNOWN SO DON'T ASK ME DAMN IT!

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Red XII (Otherwise known as Nanaki): Some dog…beast thing, their tribe was mostly wiped out around 40 years ago we found some ancient Gi tribe records….or some such shit.

Age: 48, due to their long life span we are unable to determine what other…uhm….I lost my train of thought. You get it.

Place Of Birth: Most Likely Cosmo Canyon

DOB: Well duh, sometime 48 years ago!

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Now that you have a brief insight into these people that want Shinra to fail, you are properly equipment to deal with them.

….HAH! You though you are ready to face them? I meant mentally, try now and they'll destroy you with one strike of Strife's sword, more than likely. We will go into much more details about them at a later page, however not you must know your much more threatening enemies INSIDE the Company.

STEP 3: Enemies inside the Company.

1. The Drink Cart Lady in the Mess Hall. Do not ever ask her for an orange delight…ever…

2. President Rufus' Secretary. All have tried to talk to her, but all she does all day is file her nails…there's evil afoot I tell ya!

3. Reeve Tuesti. If ever you want to kill people, burn stuff, do evil things; do not tell Reeve the executive. He will snitch on you!

4. The walls……

5. Michael Jackson (I HAD to throw that one in hehe)

6. The Ghost Dogs…sometimes they'll chase you down a hallway, and then disappear…..it's weird yo…

Next Up: Chapter 3, Turks, everything you could ever want to understand to become a Turk!

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A/N: Lend me your ideas people, I have plenty more for oncoming chapters but I'll need lots more to keep this up! Reviews please! Also, thanks Kameko Suigami, see everyone? Point out my mistakes and I'll fix them promptly! Edited V.3


	3. Chapter 3 Knowing Your Turks

Author's Note: I'm sticking by my promise of editing anything you might have found incorrect in my pieces. Do not hesitate to let me know.

Also, I am crediting FairieFighter009 for future ideas, and cookiekitten for the Rude jokes. So ya, thanks a bunch!

Disclaimer: Look at my house. Does it LOOK like I own a house that the owner of these characters would live in?

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Chapter 3 Folks! In here we will cover; Knowing the Turks, Getting to know the Turks' habits, and knowing when you are PISSING OFF the Turks.

STEP 1: Knowing the Turks.

Although it may seem irrelevant to know what the Turks like to do, their hobbies, what they do…..riiiight…anyway I'll be letting you know here, seeing as I am a….wait, of course I'm not yo.

Rude: Facts about Rude!

Contrary to popular belief, rubbing Rude's head is NOT good luck, especially in a rainstorm.

His sunglasses are made out of black mythril. Seriously...there was this one time in Rocket Town, where some kid ripped the sunglasses off Rude, and then he got them back…..it was awesome.

Rude always has a spare backup of Sunglasses

(Obviously) Rude never takes them off in public

**REALLY?**

What does "never" mean, stupid?

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Reno: The most handsomest guy you'll ever know and love.

Reno has red hair.

Reno has 4 letters.

Are these facts fascinating yet?

There was this one time when I-He took this electric pole, and stuck it into a guy's back, and that's where he got the idea of using an electromag rod as a weapon. It rocks!

Reno is not a drunkard, he just likes to be pleasantly relaxed, aight?

Reno is a Turk, DURRRRR.

How about now…..are they making your SOLDIER mind dance with delight yet? ANSWER ME WIMP!

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Elena:

Talks too much

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…

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'Nuff Said

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Tseng:

He equals boss man for the Turks.

Is Wutaian…methinks

Is calm cool and collected (psst, the 3 c's to success, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!)

Likes to sow these thingies that like..dance…an..stuff…

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STEP 2: Getting to know the Turks' habits.

The Turks as a group are meant to be the personal police force of Shinra. Of course it means getting your hands dirty every once in a while, so knowing their patterns and habits will better outfit you to aid them if they ever need your help. Fat Chance…

The Turks often split up into 2 or 3 groups, 1 group researching what they need, 1 group to perform that action, and then the last group dicks around and does dittly-squat. Quite fun!

The Turks will often kill their victim whether it was required to or not, because of Elena's constant fumbling with a pistol.

Electro Nightsticks are not the key to happiness.

Often you will be dead before you even know it was the Turks.

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…Other times it takes several tries, and each time they embarrass themselves in a more humiliating way than the last. Case in point, Avalanche.

Alright, so it's not great ALL the time, but they try….definitely…

**IF I AM TRAINING TO BE A SOLDIER, WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW USELESS FACTS ABOUT SECRTARIES, TURKS, PRESIDENT, ETC?**

Because otherwise I'd not have an extensive manual for you to read recruit! It is very important a SOLDIER is taught secretary skills, about Executives, the Works.

Other Facts:

The Turks are not TURKIES

NOR ARE THEY TURKISH DELIGHTS!

And they are certainly not evil, it's just their job ya know.

STEP 3: Knowing when you are PISSING OFF the Turks.

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A few key signs that you are truly pissing off the Turks:

An electrical nightstick begins to shoot sparks down an alley you are currently being chased into.

If Rude talks, there's something wrong.

If Elena DOESN'T talk, there's something wrong.

If Tseng is talking on his PHS and mentions the phrase "I am quite upset with soandso, we will have to have a word with him."

If you force Reno out of a bar while intoxicated, please bare in mind your establishment might have an accident with fire in the next few days.

If you are really at a loss, just stay the hell away from them and you'll PROBABLY be fine. ( No guarantees xD)

More complexity Turkish complexes…stuff will be in a later Chapter due to me writing this book, and it'll just be there yo.

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A/N: BRILLIANT!


	4. Chapter 4 The President

Author's Note: I'm back! Finally, after all these months of hating myself for not writing I will be writing again! ; ; Sorry!

Disclaimer: If you don't know I don't own this by now...please stop reading and go somewhere happy.

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Chapter 4: Knowing your dearest President! **Grumble Grumble**

Step 1: Habits

Quite usually our President feels the need to be evil on a regular basis. Do not hold this against him, it is just how he rolls. If he happens to deduct your salary, maim you, blow your house up, kill your fish, have your daughter mutated, mutilated, sold to the circus, throw you in a well, deny you a date, threaten you with obscene remarks involving a toothbrush, or in any other way quite possible under Shinra law, remember it isn't your fault! However, you should feel really bad about yourself, go home and drink battery acid. It will please him...

Usually, being beaten by the Turks on a specific order by President Rufus is in honor. RELISH THE BEATING! If you have a camera, take pictures, he'll just burn them...

If awaken before 6:30 am, run like hell or pretend you were hit in the head with a brick. It works, I'm telling you!...Yeah, definetly.

Do not burn things in the main lobby. APPARENTLY staircases are flammable, no one told me. ESPECIALLY don't burn them when the President is walking down them. Put two and two together, it's not a pretty sight.

Insult his dress ware, and you insult the company. Do you really want that responsibility? I didn't think so...if you did, you wouldn't have it for long.

The President does NOT play an instrument...NOT PLAY AN INSTRUMENT...does NOT play an instrument. THEREFORE buying him one for his birthday does not work. Don't do it! ESPECIALLY one that is small enough to fit in...places...;/

STEP 2: Running the company

Running the company is an important aspect to everyday life of just about every living thing on the planet. The Shinra corporation provides services such as transportation, water, food, and electricity to 96 of the population, We can take it away just as easily. We know where you live, WE BUILT YOUR HOUSE! You remember your puppy? No? EXACTLY!

HAHAHAHAha...hah...heh...well I thought that was funny! Why not hurt my feelings why doncha!

Quite often, the company will run into difficulties. I mean...look who runs it, did you expect it not to? When we go into armed conflict, which happens a lot, please don't ask the President for special privileges. The only thing that will happen is your ass being sent on guard duty to the remote Shinra fort in the Southern Desert Island for 6 months. It's not fun, don't try it. Tell your wife and/or daughter NO, you CANNOT stay home.

Save us the paperwork and hassle, just fire yourself when you know you screwed up. Because if you don't bad things will happen...oh who am I kidding, either way bad things will happen! Don't screw up!

If you do screw up, bring plenty of cash to smooth things over with the Turks.

Money...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

STEP 3: Eating Habits

This has only one tip. Don't take a piss in the President's cereal.

That's all you have to know...

Step 4: Random Facts that I was not bribed to keep a secret about

Rufus enjoys the company of a certain individual. I fear for my life, if you would like to know who please send an unmarked envelope containing 4875 gil in cash to 534 West Wutai Lane.

If you put sleeping pills in his eggs, he sits in his office all day complaining that the room smells like cold peanut butter.

If you yell AVALANCHE and then throw a paper bag full of snow at him, Rufus will take out his shotgun and begin firing wildly. A VERY funny sight when he hits civilians, and then has the body hidden in a dumpster outside of the city.

Rufus is allergic to synthetic peppers made out of Gongaga. Therefore it is only right to put it in his shampoo on a regular basis.

If you ever intercept Rufus writing a love letter for any reason, however unlikely, please make a photocopy and also send it to 534 West Wutai Lane. I need evidence...I mean...uhhh...

Kelp powder is used in the making of ammunition. So, put it into his protein bar and give it to him. I think it's an EXCELLENT idea.

Whatever you may think, being a personal guard for the President does not have its perks. Those who say that are either:

A: Lying to you

B: Paid off to do so

C: Because I think it's funny to get your hopes up

It's probably C, but because I have done such a WONDERFUL job hiding my identity, you will never know who I am...EVER!

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This concludes what you need to know about the President. He's not a nice guy in public, I hate his pompous ass, you will too. Get over it and move on to the exciting world of:

The Executives

Coming up next in your very own Shinra Training Manual.

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A/N Again sorry for the delay, problems, deletions, etc etc. Here it is, and I will be updating it soon (Within a week) Tell your friends:D


	5. Chapter 5 Hojo

A/N: Here you are!

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Chapter 5.1- Executive Hojo

Hojo is a complicated freak, to put it in simplest terms. He's killed hundreds of people, experimented on who knows what, and is probably the creator of Sephiroth.

Step 1: Avoid the evil!

I have had quite an experience with Hojo, not the least bit…ahem….enjoyable. The problem with him is that he believes you are either paying him not to kill you, or experimenting on you. Those are THE only types of people he sees.

See Exhibit A)

A peanut butter sandwich.

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…

Pssst…..it was once Scarlet's secretary.

That's right! Hojo can do anything, will do anything, and walks like a hermit living on top of Mount Nibel.

Therefore, if working with, under, above, or anywhere in the vicinity of Hojo, DON'T.

Step 2:…..Working with Hojo….

I told you not to dumbass! However, if you insist, don't come crying over to my office if you are killed. In that case, you can't because you are dead. Does that make enough sense? Of course not! Do I care? Not really.

…

Riiight.

Anyway, working with Hojo if you have to is a dangerous job, and is the reason it pays just about the most in the company. Your task is to defend him on business trips, bring him lab equipment, pick up his coffee and…oh yea…..make sure his pet Midgardian Rattlesnake doesn't eat another intern. Such a shame…..

On occasion you will escort Hojo to places as I have written here telling you about doing that such thing. If he is uncomfortably close, begin vomiting immediately to ward him off. If not he may have already injected something into your arm. WATCH HIM AT ALL COSTS! The problem with working under Hojo is the fact that all the other executives think it is funny when he "Accidentally" experiment's on someone, drops them into a vat of acid, drops them from a cliff, gets them eaten by his Rattlesnake, spilled hot coffee on which turns out to be acid anyway, or again, "Accidentally" supplying me materials to play pranks on certain people with certain products Cough Rufus Cough.

Remember the following:

LAB EQUIPMENT IS NOT A TOY.

Vats of acid are not good places to sit down.

If Hojo is working, you had better leave.

Never bring coffee to an experiment patient. They are probably dead, brought back from the dead, or hate coffee.

THE TIME MACHINE IS NOT A TOY.

Do not touch the Time Machine.

Touching the Time machine is bad.

Do not ACKNOWLEDGE THE TIME MACHINE.

There you have it, working with a freak—Hojo!

Step 3: After the fact.

Providing you have survived the first day of work under Hojo, you may want to check yourself for the following ailments:

A)The taste of cold peanut butter in your mouth (I admit that might have been me as well)

B)Snake bites on your arm (Dial 911 IMMEDIATELY, whoop, too late.)

C)A body part missing (Hojo is very sneaky, he MAY have stolen one of your organs while you were on break)

D)A sudden lack blood, white blood cells, kidneys, eyeballs, wedding rings, or hair.

E)Opening up your bag and discovering a box of Antidextrine, which Hojo may have "generously" given you.

DO NOT USE! If you read the front it says:

For headaches.

HOWEVER, if you read the back is says:

WARNING, May result in Leukemia, Death, sudden bursting of prostate, visions of Hojo with hypodermic needles, computer exploding, brain leaking from nose, melting of liver, or sudden decrease in blood pressure.

Don't ask me why sudden decrease of blood pressure would be on the list, THAT is the last thing I would be worrying about had I read that. And I have.

Oh….I have……

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Step 4: Arriving

If you are reading this, success! You have survived your first day at work with Hojo! Hopefully, you aren't poisoned, switched bodies with Hojo, or blind.

Hurraaaaah!

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A/N: It's been less than a week, right? I think I made my deadline.


	6. Chapter 6 Midgar

Disclaimer: You're kidding, right?

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Chapter 6: Midgar.

Working in Shinra means you live in Midgar. No exceptions. Therefore, you should probably know a bit about the city.

Just kidding. You don't care. Even so, I'm getting paid to do this.

Midgar! Ah, the glorious city. Just kidding again. This is the worst city on the face of Gaia, truly a disgrace. I love it here.

There are 8 sections. They're named: Sector 1, Sector 2, Sector 3, Sector 4, Sector 5, Sector 6, Sector 7, and Sector 8. The first president of Shinra wasn't famous for his creativity, and the "Mayor" Domino doesn't give a shit either way. Section 1 is the nicest, section 8 is the worst. The executives live in Sector 1. I live in Sector 3. You, the Shinra Grunt, live in Sector 7.

The more affluent residents live up in the higher sections. Middle class people might live in Sector 3 or 5. But the majority of residents of Midgar live in the slums.

Ah, the slums. I went down there once. I still have the scars on my forehead and anus. If you're lucky, you'll never have to go down there. However, if you do something to upset the president, you might be assigned to guard duty down there.

It's also a good way to reduce headcount. The human resources director, Heidegger, thought up that one. It's the least humane, but cheapest, way to trim unneeded employees. It works.

The best part of the slums is wall market. The best part of wall market is the brothel. Since Don Corneo found a loophole in the anti-prostitution law (not that it had ever done anything anyway), he opened up his brothel, and no law officers have done anything to try to stop him. That's mostly because the law officers are some of Corneo's best customers.

A noticeable part of Midgar is the Mako reactors in each sector. Leave them alone. Never touch them. Never go inside them. Never allow anyone you know to go inside them.

Midgar is also the most polluted city on Gaia, out-polluting even Rocket Town. I think the pollution gives the place a nice touch, just like home. The fact that I'm an illegitimate child of Don Corneo and was actually raised in a terrible part of the Sector 8 slums has no bearing on that.

So Midgar is the city of pollution, government-sanctioned slums, prostitution, Mako reactors, and illegitimate children who grow up to write user manuals. Aren't you glad you work for Shinra?

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FAQ Section: Frequently asked questions about Midgar!

Q: Can I move?

A: Yes, provided you send me three thousand gil and a hair off of Sephiroth's head.

Q: What's Sephiroth?

A: Oh good, you don't know.

Q: Is it possible to clean this place up?

A: Sure, here's a mop and bucket.

Q: I'm getting lung cancer from all the smoke! What can I do?

A: You can die, suck it up and go back to work, or take your chances with Hojo. I wouldn't suggest the third one.

Q: Is there a documented history of Midgar?

A: Sure, in the brains of Rufus Shinra's dead father's brain. It's possible to get the info out of there, but again; I wouldn't suggest it, as only Hojo has that technology.

Q: Is this place protected against an outside attack?

A: Uhh...err…is it time for the next chapter yet?


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